I woke up and thought about the fact that I needed to write a post today. I felt absolutely no drive. I had an anxious twinge in the pit of my stomach that in no way made me want to chat about beauty. I procrastinated for a while, then finally realized that this nagging feeling would be best served by explaining everything that’s been going on. There’s been a lot of change in my life lately. Discussing it isn’t always comfortable, but I want to lay it all out for you today and hear your thoughts.
I should start with what happened five months ago. Me and my boyfriend split up. That was undoubtedly the hardest thing I’ve had to do. We were together for eight years and he felt like home to me. But we were very different people. We wanted different things and, as sad as it is, I don’t think our personalities were similar enough. It was especially painful because there was no fight to be had and I couldn’t feel any ill will towards him. It simply wasn’t right to stay together. I still think the absolute world of him, but it is what it is. So now I’m just getting used to being single. I haven’t done that since I was 17. Truth be told I probably skipped right over learning how to be independent and that’s something I’ve got to catch up on now.
When we broke up I was lucky enough to be offered a place to stay with one of my best friends. She had an extra bedroom in her place and I scooted right in. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise, because if there are any Vancouverites out there, you’ll feel me when I say that the housing/rental market is fucked right now. So, as per usual, I went about making my new bedroom feel like me. You know, I painted the walls white, put up prints and plants, etc. As my friend says “your bedroom looks like Bloomin’ Rouge in a bedroom.” While I’m not sure he meant that as a compliment, I’m pleased with it.
With everything that happened, my mindset was bound to be off, however I decided to make life even more difficult for myself. Genius here. I’ll be signing photos just outside in a moment. What I don’t think I ever mentioned to you guys is that a couple of years ago, when my anxiety got out of control, I ended up having to take medication. It was an absolute godsend at the time. I feel as though it gave me my life back and I don’t regret it for a second. But after our relationship ended, I wanted to go off the medication. I had gained a lot of weight on it and it was taking a huge toll on my self esteem. I’ll be honest, going off wasn’t easy, despite doing it very slowly. The depression hit me again for a bit and my anxiety levels have increased, but things are more stable now overall. Still no regrets.
One thing I feel so damn grateful for is my guinea pigs. Having pets when you’re going through a rough patch is a beautiful thing. Sometimes when I’m holding them I feel like my heart is going to explode. They’re so perfect and wonderful and loving and sweet. I lose my mind over how amazing they are. My roommate can attest to that considering all she hears is “holy shit they’re so cute, I can’t handle this.”
When everything went down with the break up I couldn’t bring myself to write. I felt like I had no energy and nothing useful to offer. I instead took that time to redesign the website. I relaunched Bloomin’ Rouge about a month ago. I’m going to level with you. It hasn’t been smooth. A couple of years ago I felt like I had so much momentum with the site. It was growing, I had good relationships with readers and other bloggers and I really felt like I was part of a community. But when I started working for Sephora I had less and less time to dedicate to writing and everything seemed to slowly slip away. Taking time off after the breakup was almost like the final nail in the coffin. I lost touch and I can’t tell you how badly I want to get back in touch. I also put up a new Youtube video and that’s been a huge point of anxiety for me. Videos scare the crap out of me and I’m definitely worried about failing on that front. I think deep down I’ve secretly always hoped that I could have a successful Youtube channel and do that for a living. Facing the fact that that’s a one in a million shot it difficult.
I’ve now been working for Sephora for a year and a bit. When I first started it was fantastic. You get so much experience as a makeup artist – wing liner after wing liner – and you learn about so many products. I appreciate how much I’ve grown there, but working in a fast-paced, hectic retail environment takes a lot out of you. Who here knows that I’m talking about? You’re being shuffled from one client to the next, trying to help them find this foundation and that shade of lipstick. Often times you just can’t please people and, let me tell you, there are a lot of angry people in the world that just want someone to vent at. As Bilbo Baggins would say, I’m beginning to feel like “butter scraped over too much bread.” So I’m really not sure what the next step should be. Do I focus on freelancing? Do I think about working towards teaching at a makeup school? Do I look into web-design? Do I go unemployed and throw myself fully into Youtube/blogging and hope for the best? So many questions. Tell me one of you has the answers.
Well that was a lot of info. I hope you guys don’t mind. Sometimes I like reading these posts because it gives you a little window into the hopes and dreams of others, as well as the struggles. I reminds us that we’re all more alike than we might think. Hopefully you’ll see that today. Either that, or you’ll see that I’m a total wanker.