A BIT ABOUT ME… FEARS AND ALL

I just got back from a visit with my dad that ended up taking a turn down a very different road than I expected. We only had a couple of hours together and I figured we would probably just keep it light and talk a bit about the new blog. We did indeed start talking about the blog, and he began making suggestions about how to approach things and creating interesting posts and all the while I just felt this pit in my stomach. I feel so much pressure to be original and successful when it comes this venture. It’s a pressure I always put on myself in life no matter what I’m doing. I’m already killing myself over the fear that no one will want to read it. My dad talked about opening up and engaging with people in my writing and that’s what I want to do in this post today.

I haven’t yet talked much about who I am or why I’m here so far and I want to. I want people to feel like they know me – to feel that someone out there has the same sense of hope in life and even the same fear of failure. This blog, although it seems like a lighthearted blog about skincare and makeup (and for the most part it is), has also been so much about me facing my fears. I have been stuck in life so many times and too scared to go for what I really want. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. The fear of putting myself out there, putting my face on the internet (and the next big hurtle of putting up videos, which is infinitely even more frightening) for a long time seemed insurmountable. I still face a whirlwind of anxiety every time I post something. I doubt my photography skills, I doubt my sense of humor, I worry that if I’m not bright and cheery people won’t be interested, I worry that if I tell people I’m trained as a makeup artist they’ll expect me to be better than I am.

However, truth be told, so much of why I read beauty blogs and watch beauty videos is because it gives you a chance to form connections to people. I, of course, enjoy the makeup aspect of it all, but I watch plenty of makeup videos where I couldn’t give less of a damn about the actual makeup; what I really like the person that’s talking about it. I’ll enjoy the fact that here exists a person who is willing to put themselves out there for everyone to see their artistic vision, their humor, their… everything. Above all else I enjoy people’s honesty. It’s the quirks and imperfections that make you engage with someone and I have to remember this when I show myself to the world. I don’t have to be the best photographer or have the best products or the bubbliest personality. I just have to be my honest, engaging self. All the while I have to remind myself to enjoy this experience and be happy with myself for trying. This is what I like doing and I should let myself take pleasure in it no matter how many or how few people think I’m worth reading or watching. That goes for anyone doing anything in life. Enjoying the ride is what it’s all about.

I read this amazing post by A Beautiful Mess shortly before I started this blog. Emma talked about how there were many times in her life that she felt like a failure and that she pushed so hard to make things work, but eventually she let life take her where she needed to be. Of course she says it with much more eloquence than that, but that post meant a lot to me. It was exactly what I needed to read at that time. It gave me confidence that I was finally allowing myself to go where I wanted. If there is anyone out there that has faced this same dilemma – feeling frozen and frightened to go for what you want – try it. One tiny step at a time, work towards what you want. I have no idea if I’ll succeed in this venture. What I can say for sure is that even if I fail at this all I won’t regret having tried. I know I would regret never having made an attempt. It’s such a cliché but it holds true.

 

  • thanks holly, a lot of the reason I don't do anything is fear of failure. But eventually it's good to get over it And just do crap. I'm finally realising this and getting over my fears and facing them. I didn't pursue hair because I felt like a failure. Not good enough. I haven't done anything with music in case I fail. It's unfortunately a lame trap we can get into, but it's not so bad, it just means we care…a lot. There's not much fault in striving for perfection. If no one did there would be nothing worth striving for.

  • p.s it comes across that you actually care about the makeup. I don't usually have time for makeup or hair blogs or vlogs, and maybe it's because I know you, but you come across as though you are truly sincere about the things you're talking about and it's interesting to read. I feel a connection to the things you post, so…so far so good. There, a bunch of sappy nonsense for you.

    • I really appreciate the sappy nonsense though. I do care and I have put a lot of work into this all and to know even one person has enjoyed it makes a difference.
      And yeah having your fears hold you back in life is the worst thing. With whatever I have wanted to do in life, I'm steps ahead with everything that could go wrong. I'm really trying to change this.

  • I'm so please i've come across your blog Holly, there was something very warm and inviting when I click on your page and starting scrolling through. Lfe is about taking chances, grasping new opportunities and exploring your talents, good luck 🙂

    Hanh x | hanhabelle

    • Thank you so much. It feels awesome to know that someone out there likes what I've done. Good luck with your Cosmo Blog Awards!

  • You are definitely not alone in this. I am still struggling with this fear of failure and my constant self-defeating ways all the time. I so want to do well and have everything perfect, but failure and how others will perceive me become amplified. And because of this, I sometimes just do not even attempt it at all. I do not want perfection to paralyze me and now that I am more aware of my own sub-conscious effort to self-sabotage, I do remind myself again and again to just embrace the unknown, embrace change, and have some self-belief that I can actually succeed if I only try. From what I see, you are already way ahead of many. You seemed really skilled and you really are gorgeous. Half the battle won!

    So let's cheer each other on and believe truly we can succeed if we stamp out those negative thoughts and try hard enough!

    • Thank you. It's the worst feeling to know that you're making a trap for yourself. I do it all the time, but I really am trying to force myself to get out of the habit. Your kind words are much appreciate though. A few words of support here and there can make a huge difference.
      I hope you succeed in your own endeavors. I'm sure that you will.

  • I just found your blog and it surprises me that you doubt yourself so much. I started reading because I found a sense of humor I enjoyed, so I think you're doing a pretty good job! It's normal to doubt, we all do, I've been blogging for ages and i still second guess myself and wonder if a post is going to be liked or not. The final thought it to just be happy with what you do, just YOU be happy and proud. You can't control what people like and you can't make them like you, and hey if they like you only because you told them to then it doesn't count.

    So keep going, experiment! This is the place to do it. Create things you find interesting and seem like fun. So far, I've really enjoyed reading you for you, because I live at the end of the freaking world and there is no way I'm going to get the products you mention, but I'm still here and reading. So yeah, keep going 😀

  • I have just recently came across your blog and today been reading it. You a beautiful Blog with an elegance of simplicity which made it appealing to check out. Don't be afraid to push yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes when you do you gain so much wisdom and find that you truly are on the right path to your bigger goals. It is awesome that you are trying this!! I been hearing this audio cds when I am on the road to my full time job every day about the power of intention by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. You can also read his book if thats your preference. I been finding is super helpful to encourage me to not be afraid and really work hard on my blog without feeling judged and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Wish you lots of luck!!

  • This was so beautiful to read x I understand fears getting in the way, we all have them and it is so frustrating at times especially when it is getting in the way of what you truly want in life (I am going through it now). I love to see people opening up and being human, It makes me more interested in reading their stuff and already your blog has made me realised that I need to show more of myself in my own blog XX

  • I don't know how I never read this before, but I'll tell yah…it makes me love you even more! I'm so happy that you decided to start this blog and that we got to connect through it. You have quickly become my favourite blogger on the internet and you know why? It's because you're you. Just Holly. You're doing a fantastic job and I look forward to each and every day you post, I only wish there was more of you to go around! Keep on doin' what you're doin' 😉 xx

  • Really honest and wonderful post, like I've said to you before – you're doing a fantastic job and don't ever doubt that ! 🙂 Good luck and I hope you continue to write this blog because its become one of my favourites ! xx
    http://www.willowjolie.com

  • I just read this Brittany and I love you! Seriously. It means so much to me for you to say that. I'm so glad that we've been able to connect through this all too.