I just got back from a visit with my dad that ended up taking a turn down a very different road than I expected. We only had a couple of hours together and I figured we would probably just keep it light and talk a bit about the new blog. We did indeed start talking about the blog, and he began making suggestions about how to approach things and creating interesting posts and all the while I just felt this pit in my stomach. I feel so much pressure to be original and successful when it comes this venture. It’s a pressure I always put on myself in life no matter what I'm doing. I'm already killing myself over the fear that no one will want to read it. My dad talked about opening up and engaging with people in my writing and that's what I want to do in this post today.
I haven't yet talked much about who I am or why I'm here so far and I want to. I want people to feel like they know me – to feel that someone out there has the same sense of hope in life and even the same fear of failure. This blog, although it seems like a lighthearted blog about skincare and makeup (and for the most part it is), has also been so much about me facing my fears. I have been stuck in life so many times and too scared to go for what I really want. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. The fear of putting myself out there, putting my face on the internet (and the next big hurtle of putting up videos, which is infinitely even more frightening) for a long time seemed insurmountable. I still face a whirlwind of anxiety every time I post something. I doubt my photography skills, I doubt my sense of humor, I worry that if I'm not bright and cheery people won't be interested, I worry that if I tell people I’m trained as a makeup artist they'll expect me to be better than I am.
However, truth be told, so much of why I read beauty blogs and watch beauty videos is because it gives you a chance to form connections to people. I, of course, enjoy the makeup aspect of it all, but I watch plenty of makeup videos where I couldn’t give less of a damn about the actual makeup; what I really like the person that's talking about it. I’ll enjoy the fact that here exists a person who is willing to put themselves out there for everyone to see their artistic vision, their humor, their... everything. Above all else I enjoy people’s honesty. It’s the quirks and imperfections that make you engage with someone and I have to remember this when I show myself to the world. I don’t have to be the best photographer or have the best products or the bubbliest personality. I just have to be my honest, engaging self. All the while I have to remind myself to enjoy this experience and be happy with myself for trying. This is what I like doing and I should let myself take pleasure in it no matter how many or how few people think I’m worth reading or watching. That goes for anyone doing anything in life. Enjoying the ride is what it’s all about.
I read this amazing post by A Beautiful Mess shortly before I started this blog. Emma talked about how there were many times in her life that she felt like a failure and that she pushed so hard to make things work, but eventually she let life take her where she needed to be. Of course she says it with much more eloquence than that, but that post meant a lot to me. It was exactly what I needed to read at that time. It gave me confidence that I was finally allowing myself to go where I wanted. If there is anyone out there that has faced this same dilemma – feeling frozen and frightened to go for what you want – try it. One tiny step at a time, work towards what you want. I have no idea if I’ll succeed in this venture. What I can say for sure is that even if I fail at this all I won't regret having tried. I know I would regret never having made an attempt. It’s such a cliché but it holds true.